I delivered our Amber girl, who wasn't meant for this world, seventeen years ago. Seventeen. Only for us to bury her a few days later. Doesn't seem possible that it's been that long.
It wasn't suppose to go that way. Death of a child wasn't part of our plans. At all.
It's so interesting how we, with our finite human minds, draw out the plans we have for ourselves. We sketch out a timeline...marriage, children, careers, possessions, retirement...all the good stuff. Sometimes we might even add a little humanitarian aid or ministry work, just to make ourselves feel as though we're not focused solely on our own desires.
Here's the rub...sometimes our plans come to fruition just as we had anticipated. Sometimes. But not always.
Often, we have sketched out these plans so confidently, adding a nice "we prayed about this..." or "the Lord has called us...". It's not that we don't really believe those sentences, it's just...well, we sometimes don't. But we're conditioned to add it as a tag line, and in turn we actually think we believe it too. Until our actions prove differently.
Our plans are carefully and thoughtfully drawn out with a very bold #2 pencil. Clean lines. With confidence, we set out on our life journey.
Insert plot twist.
All the while God is stepping in with His very large eraser, making adjustments to our oh so well thought out plans. He pulls out His sharpie marker and begins to draw the boundary lines for our life journey to match the blue print He had already designed. He may clue us in early on that each "closed door", or "road block", as we like to call them, is actually Him keeping us on His track...not ours. Or, He may wait until we have pridefully walked a good many years down our path, and then He handles the situation.
Confusing? I know. Yet, it's true. He tells us in Psalm 139:16, "...in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”
Every one of our days were written in His book before any of them came to be. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. One year ago. Ten years from now. Seventeen years ago. All of them. Even death.
Physical death. Emotional death. Relational death. Spiritual death.
The good news is...it's not all death. There is also life. Good life. Abundant life. If we will take our eyes off of the debilitating circumstances of this sin sick world long enough to see our True Hope.
Game changer.
Not necessarily a change for those circumstances. Clearly, the death is still there. But change for our heart condition. That is, if we are truthful with not only others, but our own selves about our current heart condition. I'm learning this one the hard way. For years I was not truthful with myself, which overflowed into not being truthful with those around me. So foolish. And I didn't even see it. But why? How?
I remember when my big brother called me after we lost Amber...he's always been a form of earthly protection for me. He said, "Shari, I am so sorry!! SO sorry!!". I was sobbing while talking to him. Honestly, I could barely get any words to come out, but when I could, I just kept saying, "I'm fine...I'm fine...really I'm totally fine!!".
Fine?!?! What in the actual world was I saying?? Who was I trying to fool?? Looking back, I think that deep down I was so afraid people would think that I was angry with God, or that in some way God was "less than" for allowing this to happen, if I didn't roll out of there with joy in my heart and a smile on my face. Maybe I thought I wouldn't be a "good Christian" if I was sad. If I was angry.
I was so misled. So blind.
I had horrible coping skills, and inadvertently my children suffered in some ways from that as well. I mean, one day we were telling little five year old Drew that he would soon have another little sister to pester along with one year old Abbi girl. He was even with us for the sonogram showing it was a girl. Then, nothing. Never mind. There really is not a new baby coming. What could he have been thinking? What in the world were WE thinking by not discussing it with him?? So strange.
Here's what I have learned...Jesus himself was sad. He didn't just have a small tear in His eye...He wept. He became angry. He had emotions other than just love. And we were created in His image. Of course we're going to have sadness and anger, and all manner of other emotions too.
Our downfall? Pretending we don't feel those emotions. Telling ourselves, and others, that we're "fine". When in actuality, we're a broken mess. The peace may indeed be there...in fact, it should be there. And we definitely experienced God's "peace that passes all understanding" when we buried our girl. But the presence of peace doesn't always equal the absence of pain. There can be both.
What kind of hope are we really exemplifying for others if they never see sadness or anger in reaction to our pain? If they always think "we're just fine"?? That's no true example at all. It's tainted and misleading. A total sham!
May we drop our pencils and embrace His sharpie. It's already been drawn. There is no resisting it. Sometimes it's gut wrenching and awful, and we can't even pretend to understand why He would allow it. There's where our faith must hold hands with our peace. We don't understand, but we rest in the truth that it's not in our control.
And even more so, may we stop attempting to sketch out the plans of others. You don't get to draw the blue print for my life journey, and I can't draw yours. They've already been drafted by the great Designer. Even when they don't make sense to us, they're His...not ours. May we trust Him with the outcome and stop taking to our proverbial soap boxes when people make decisions for their lives that we disagree with. We don't know the inner workings of each other's lives, and we don't have the authority to edit the footnotes.
Don't fear the sharpie. And don't fear other people's reaction to the sharpie. When change overtakes our plans, and death, in its many forms, invades our journey...cry, be angry, laugh, grow and embrace the change. Most of all, be expectant of the life that will soon resurface. His love is steadfast. His mercies are new every day. He is faithful. He will do whatever it is that He has planned to do. May we rest in the hope of a future beauty that will bloom from our ashes.
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