Remembering Jayden...when the blink of an eye feels like an eternity.

Not enough words in the entire world to adequately describe what the actions of one evil person can do to the lives of so many people. SO many!

Devastating. Life changing. 

365 days can pass in the blink of an eye, yet feel like an eternity.

Our realities can change in one split second, and we find ourself begging God to give us that one split second back so that we can do things differently and change the outcome.

But He won’t. And we can’t.

The reality is just that...reality.

We can beg all we want, but it won’t bring that one second back. Ever. A new path is set and we just do our best to try and make sense of it all. Any part of it.

But we won’t. It makes no sense.

I always try to pull some type of encouragement from the pages of scripture when walking through a valley I never imagined I’d walk. And I try so hard to do the same for others.

The scripture is there. And the valley doesn’t make it any less true. But sometimes you don’t necessarily feel encouraged by it.

You read passages of forgiveness and love. Passages against hate. And you believe them. You believe every word. You even commit to sharing those passages of love, not hate, with those struggling with hurt, bitterness and anger. You tell them things like, “God is in control” “God has a plan”.

He is. He does.

Our earthly reality does not change heavenly Truth. BUT... our jacked up perspective of heavenly Truth sometimes prevents us from properly responding to our earthly reality. Or, it gives us a false authority to tell others how to respond to theirs. Or the opposite...others feel the right to tell us how to respond.  Spiritual pride.

We are indeed called to love. However, sometimes we love so strongly that when someone violently takes the life of the one we love, we have an overwhelming desire to take a baseball bat and beat the literal hell out of that person. 

And I wish I could. Because I would. 

If you hold tight to scripture, and you believe in God’s plan, keep believing. But don’t you dare paint it into a picture of rainbows and ponies, leaving out the demons and dragons, when you’re talking to someone who has experienced a tragic death.

365 days can pass in the blink of an eye. Yet, when you see a mama without her baby girl, and your baby girl without her very best friend, it feels like an eternity.

Remembering Jayden today, and honoring her dynamic mother, and my amazing daughter. I’ve never witnessed anything like it up close and personal before. They are strong and mighty warriors, yet delicate and broken all at the same time. May earthly justice soon be served, and fresh hope restored. One day at a time.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

When there's no actual joy in the morning, we hold tight to the love in the mourning...

Choosing joy is a phrase that has rolled off of my lips more times than I can count, and it has been a daily habit in my life for longer than I can remember. We choose it...meaning lots of times we force our insides to will it into being. You know, "will it, until you feel it". Makes sense, right? But...every once in a while, we just kinda need a little easy joy. You know, the kind we don't necessarily have to "choose". 

One of the scriptures that I would cling to, and quote so very often, is Psalm 30:5, "...though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes with the morning". 

Hard truth: Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. 

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Many will celebrate the loves in their lives. Chocolates, flowers, sweet cards, and much yummy food will be enjoyed all throughout the day. 

For some there will be "joy in the morning".

For others, the joy will remain hidden behind the weeping for a little bit longer. 

Tomorrow is the birthday of my sweet Aubri girl's very best friend. But she won't be celebrating with her bestie. Instead, she will be sitting beside Jayden's amazing mom at a memorial in her honor. No presents. No cake. No candles. No joy. Another reminder that her beautiful life was taken way too soon. The weeping will continue a little bit longer. 

However, even though the joy remains hidden for a while, there is one thing that bursts through the darkness of mourning with more force than a mighty rushing wind...

Love. So much love.

There is a love for Jayden. A love for her mom. A love for her siblings. A love for her family and friends. A strong love. A binding love. A lasting love. A healing love. 

Life on this broken planet is full of sadness and heartache; full of disappointment and fear; full of hatred and violence; full of weeping. Much weeping. But when that strong, binding, lasting, healing love floods a soul, it brings with it the very motivation needed to push through to another day. I mean, just look at this picture a sweet friend took of Jayden's mom once again comforting Aubri girl. A mom, in her own unimaginable grief, not focusing on her own heartbreak, but the brokenness of her daughter's very best friend. THAT is love. THAT is the love that propels one through another day. Another day where we hold tight to the hope that we will soon awaken on the morning which brings forth that sweet joy we read about. 

So for now, even though there may be no joy in the morning, we hold tight to the love in the mourning! 

“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

A fall from good to grace...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved to do good things and make people happy. She was very glad to say "yes ma'am", and always do the right thing. She was good, and she was happy.

She was glad to go to Sunday School and church every Sunday, and very glad to wear her pretty lace dress and her shiny patent leather shoes...white for spring and summer, but never after Labor Day...then, out came the shiny black ones. She was good, and she was happy.

She was glad to do the right thing because it made people happy. And when she made people happy, they liked her. And when people liked her, Jesus liked her. She was good, and she was happy.

Even when she had bad things happen in her life, she didn't let people know the bad things made her sad. Because if they knew she was sad, the people wouldn't be happy anymore. And if the people weren't happy, Jesus wouldn't be happy. She was good, and she was sad, but she said she was happy.

She was glad to only spend time with other good people, because good people aren't suppose to spend time with bad people...they will make you bad. And if she spent time with bad people, the good people would not like her anymore. And if the good people didn't like her anymore, then Jesus wouldn't like her anymore. She was good, and she was happy.

One day the good girl married a good boy and they began doing good things together. The more good things they did together, the more they made people happy. And the more they made people happy, the more they made Jesus happy. They were good, and they were happy.

Even when the good people had bad things happen in their life, they didn't let people know the bad things made them sad. Because if they let the bad things make them sad, the people around them wouldn't be happy anymore. And if the people weren't happy, Jesus wouldn't be happy. They were good, and they were sad, but they said they were happy. 

One day, the good people had children. Then, they taught the children to be good. Because if they were not good children, then the people around them would not like them. And if the people around them didn't like them, then Jesus wouldn't like them. They were good, and and they were happy.

After a while, the good family moved across the land. They were going to tell other people how to be good so that Jesus would like them too. They would say that Jesus didn't like you BECAUSE you were good, but that once you truly knew that Jesus liked you, you would WANT to be good. They made others good, and they made others happy.

But one day, the good family's happy didn't seem to be good enough anymore. The happy that they were trying to wear wasn't big enough to cover over the sad that had been growing for so very long. They were good, but they were not happy. 

The good family's happy was tattered and torn, and their sad became very big. The people couldn't understand how the family that had been so good at being good and happy, could allow the sad to grow so big and tear up their happy. The people were good, but they were not happy. 

Many of the good, unhappy people, didn't want to be around the good unhappy family anymore, so they all went in different directions. Some held on to their happy, but some did not. They were good, and they were happy and sad.

The good unhappy family finally saw what went wrong. They realized that they weren't really good at all. They never had been. That happiness doesn't come from being good. Happiness comes by clearly seeing that no one is good. That no one is better at this "life on planet earth thing" than anyone else. No one is sinless. All have sinned. None are good. No one has worse sins than the other. No one is better than the other. They were not good, and they were not happy. 

The mom and the dad, who really weren't good at all, finally understood what it meant to be spiritually prideful. They had been blinded by the sin of self-righteousness. They were so busy looking intently into the eyes of others, trying to pick out the speck of bad in order to teach them how to be good, that they didn't even see the ginormous plank of sin sickness that was protruding from their own eye. And even worse, they led others into this same self-righteousness, and didn't even realize it. That's what pride does, it blinds you to your own sins, because it turns your gaze to the sins of others. They were not good, and they were not happy.

And they all lived miserably ever after. Except, not! 

The mom and dad knew that Jesus did not want them to curl up in the reality of their hypocrisy. He had humbled them not to destroy them, but to give them real life. He knocked them off of their religious pedestals, to teach them the real meaning of His grace, and allow them to know the true joy of His mercy. 

For, you don't need grace when everything you do is "good", and you don't need mercy when everything you do and say is, "right in the eyes of man...". You need grace when you learn that "there are none that are good", and mercy when you learn that the way that looked right to you, "in the end leads to death". 

They remembered that Jesus served the most shut up juice to the religious leaders, not those of a humble spirit and contrite heart, who didn't have it all figured out. They realized that Jesus' "woe unto you"...was actually a "woe unto them". 

So the good family wasn't really good at all. They were broken, and their life story ended up looking very different than they thought it would, and very different than those around them wanted it to. Their attempt at turning their proverbial fish bowl into a stained glass masquerade ended up shattering into a million pieces. 

BUT...God is good. God is merciful. God is gracious. He doesn't need pretty stained glass to accomplish His purpose. In fact, according to Scripture, He prefers jars of clay. 

They were not good, but they were forgiven, and they were very happy. 

The end. 

Death and our plans: a pencil, an eraser, and the sharpie that brings both ashes and beauty...

I delivered our Amber girl, who wasn't meant for this world, seventeen years ago. Seventeen. Only for us to bury her a few days later. Doesn't seem possible that it's been that long.

It wasn't suppose to go that way. Death of a child wasn't part of our plans. At all. 

It's so interesting how we, with our finite human minds, draw out the plans we have for ourselves. We sketch out a timeline...marriage, children, careers, possessions, retirement...all the good stuff. Sometimes we might even add a little humanitarian aid or ministry work, just to make ourselves feel as though we're not focused solely on our own desires. 

Here's the rub...sometimes our plans come to fruition just as we had anticipated. Sometimes. But not always. 

Often, we have sketched out these plans so confidently, adding a nice "we prayed about this..." or "the Lord has called us...". It's not that we don't really believe those sentences, it's just...well, we sometimes don't. But we're conditioned to add it as a tag line, and in turn we actually think we believe it too. Until our actions prove differently. 

Our plans are carefully and thoughtfully drawn out with a very bold #2 pencil. Clean lines. With confidence, we set out on our life journey. 

Insert plot twist. 

All the while God is stepping in with His very large eraser, making adjustments to our oh so well thought out plans. He pulls out His sharpie marker and begins to draw the boundary lines for our life journey to match the blue print He had already designed. He may clue us in early on that each "closed door", or "road block", as we like to call them, is actually Him keeping us on His track...not ours. Or, He may wait until we have pridefully walked a good many years down our path, and then He handles the situation. 

Confusing? I know. Yet, it's true. He tells us in Psalm 139:16, "...in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” 

Every one of our days were written in His book before any of them came to be. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. One year ago. Ten years from now. Seventeen years ago. All of them. Even death. 

Physical death. Emotional death. Relational death. Spiritual death. 

The good news is...it's not all death. There is also life. Good life. Abundant life. If we will take our eyes off of the debilitating circumstances of this sin sick world long enough to see our True Hope. 

Game changer. 

Not necessarily a change for those circumstances. Clearly, the death is still there. But change for our heart condition. That is, if we are truthful with not only others, but our own selves about our current heart condition. I'm learning this one the hard way. For years I was not truthful with myself, which overflowed into not being truthful with those around me. So foolish. And I didn't even see it. But why? How? 

I remember when my big brother called me after we lost Amber...he's always been a form of earthly protection for me. He said, "Shari, I am so sorry!! SO sorry!!".  I was sobbing while talking to him. Honestly, I could barely get any words to come out, but when I could, I just kept saying, "I'm fine...I'm fine...really I'm totally fine!!". 

Fine?!?! What in the actual world was I saying?? Who was I trying to fool?? Looking back, I think that deep down I was so afraid people would think that I was angry with God, or that in some way God was "less than" for allowing this to happen, if I didn't roll out of there with joy in my heart and a smile on my face. Maybe I thought I wouldn't be a "good Christian" if I was sad. If I was angry. 

I was so misled. So blind.

I had horrible coping skills, and inadvertently my children suffered in some ways from that as well. I mean, one day we were telling little five year old Drew that he would soon have another little sister to pester along with one year old Abbi girl. He was even with us for the sonogram showing it was a girl. Then, nothing. Never mind. There really is not a new baby coming. What could he have been thinking? What in the world were WE thinking by not discussing it with him?? So strange. 

Here's what I have learned...Jesus himself was sad. He didn't just have a small tear in His eye...He wept. He became angry. He had emotions other than just love. And we were created in His image. Of course we're going to have sadness and anger, and all manner of other emotions too. 

Our downfall? Pretending we don't feel those emotions. Telling ourselves, and others, that we're "fine". When in actuality, we're a broken mess. The peace may indeed be there...in fact, it should be there. And we definitely experienced God's "peace that passes all understanding" when we buried our girl. But the presence of peace doesn't always equal the absence of pain. There can be both. 

What kind of hope are we really exemplifying for others if they never see sadness or anger in reaction to our pain? If they always think "we're just fine"?? That's no true example at all. It's tainted and misleading. A total sham! 

May we drop our pencils and embrace His sharpie. It's already been drawn. There is no resisting it. Sometimes it's gut wrenching and awful, and we can't even pretend to understand why He would allow it. There's where our faith must hold hands with our peace. We don't understand, but we rest in the truth that it's not in our control. 

And even more so, may we stop attempting to sketch out the plans of others. You don't get to draw the blue print for my life journey, and I can't draw yours. They've already been drafted by the great Designer. Even when they don't make sense to us, they're His...not ours. May we trust Him with the outcome and stop taking to our proverbial soap boxes when people make decisions for their lives that we disagree with. We don't know the inner workings of each other's lives, and we don't have the authority to edit the footnotes. 

Don't fear the sharpie. And don't fear other people's reaction to the sharpie. When change overtakes our plans, and death, in its many forms, invades our journey...cry, be angry, laugh, grow and embrace the change. Most of all, be expectant of the life that will soon resurface. His love is steadfast. His mercies are new every day. He is faithful. He will do whatever it is that He has planned to do. May we rest in the hope of a future beauty that will bloom from our ashes. 

The truth about those, "plans for good and not harm"...

I stood behind my two daughters yesterday as my 13 year old watched her very best friend be buried into the ground.  

Not good.

Harmful.

I watched as the sweet mama of this little girl wept a silent sob of brokenness, to where you could actually see the tears drip from the end of her chin onto her chest.  

Not good.

Harmful. 

I sat in a gymnasium full of people this very morning and watched that same baby girl push through her gut wrenching sobs as she verbally honored her very best friend. 

Not good.

Harmful.

Through all of this, I’ve heard people make statements that I myself have made so many times before.  Mostly quoting scriptures. Statements that are meant to comfort, but in all honesty…they usually feel like shards of glass ripping another small gash within the heart.  Or, they hit an empty heart and drop to the ground like a lead brick. 

“All things work together for good…”

“God has a plan for all of this…”

“God has plans for your ‘good and not harm’…”

Do they?  Do they really?  Does He?  Does He really? 

We spit those scriptures out like we know what we’re talking about.  We don’t.  

We spit those scriptures out like they are “one size fits all” and apply to everyone.  They don’t. 

If I could go back to every time I’ve ever uttered those words to someone during their time of loss, I would vomit them up and choose to simply love quietly. Love with action (as I saw many do today) instead of self elevating words disguised as encouragement. 

I do, in fact, believe every word in the pages of God breathed scripture.  I believe it without hesitation.  I simply don’t believe that we have it all figured out like we portray we do.  Even when we’re quick to say, “we don’t really know for sure what this means”, we eventually use it in a context as though we do. Maybe without even realizing it, but we do. 

God most definitely has a plan. And “every day ordained for us was written in His book before even one of them came to be”. What in the world?? Jayden’s tragic last day on this earth was written in His book before it came to be??  Ugh…it’s just too much to comprehend.  Thankfully, that’s where faith comes in.  We don’t comprehend it, we just believe it.  

Can we just please be careful not to say those things to someone who is grieving with fresh grief?  

When you research the meaning of some of the words of those passages in the language they were originally written in, it seems that those passages are talking about our hope for the future.  Our eternal good.  However, we so very much long for them to mean some sort of earthly good as well.  

Here’s all I can come up with, and I'm taking it…holding tightly to it...

Yesterday, as I stood behind my 13 year old while she sat and watched her very best friend lowered into the ground, I also watched my 17 year old never leave her side.  She stroked her hair and rubbed her back.  She kissed her head and hugged her tight. 

Good.

Not harmful.

Yesterday, as I watched that mama cry those tears of mourning, I stood in amazement as in the midst of her darkest day, as she buried her very own 13 year old baby girl, she comforted mine.  Sat right beside her, rubbing her back instead of wiping those dripping tears from her face.  Then, she did it again today.  Indescribable. 

Good.

Not harmful.

Today, as I watched not only my Aubri girl sob her way through her dedication to Jayden, but also several others, I also witnessed a type of family love that I honestly don’t believe I’ve seen before in my entire life.  Ever. Jayden’s family is blended…step fathers, step moms, step sisters and brothers…but the love that every single one of them have for each other left me speechless.  I honestly couldn’t comprehend it.  Where was the awkwardness?  Where was the dislike for one another?  It wasn’t there.  Only kindness.  Only love. They all wept…every single one of them.  And wept hard. But they wept together…loving and hugging each other all morning.  It was clear to me that Jayden’s mama was at the center of that love.  

Good.

Not harmful.

This earthly life we live is flooded with all manner of heartache…disease, death, financial disaster, broken relationships, mental illness, emotional trauma…it’s endless.  I’m reminding myself tonight of the fuller picture of one of those passages…just before Jeremiah tells of “God’s plan of good and not harm…of a hope and a future”, he tells us, “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile…”.  Did you catch that?  Who sent them into exile?  God did.  The very One who has plans for good and not harm, sent them into captivity.  It doesn’t begin very good, only harmful…yet ends with a hope for the future.

So for now, there is sadness.  There is crying.  There is grief.  There is anger…much anger.  There is confusion.  There is fear.  Not good.  Harmful.  

And we wait.  We wait for the day when we can once again choose joy.  We wait for a smile.  For a laugh.  For possible answers.  We hold on to hope, and wait for the truth about those “plans for good, and not harm”, to surface one way or another.  

  

When God brings the broken...

Sometimes God brings the broken as consequence to our sin. 

“David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die. Nevertheless, because by this deed you have utterly scorned the Lord, the child who is born to you shall die.”...David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground...On the seventh day the child died.” 

2 Samuel‬ ‭12:13-14, 16, 18‬ ‭

Sometimes God brings the broken even though we walk upright, in His righteousness, avoiding evil. 

“And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?” “Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” And the Lord said to Satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.” So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord."..."There came a messenger to Job that said, “Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house...and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead, and I alone have escaped to tell you.” Job‬ ‭1:8-12, 18-19‬ ‭

Sure, Satan "prowls around like a roaring lion waiting to devour", but he can't even step to our circumstances unless God invites him. Regardless of the specific, personal reasons why God brings the broken, the eternal reason remains the same. His supremacy. His glory. 

“But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped.” 

2 Samuel‬ ‭12:19-20‬ 

David's son was dead because of HIS sin. Yet, he worshipped.

“Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.” Job‬ ‭1:20-22‬ 

Job walked a blameless life before the Lord and avoided evil, but the Lord handed over all he had to Satan. His possessions AND all of his children. Yet, he worshipped.

Their decision to worship God in the midst of the broken was their way of "thanking God for breaking their heart". Who really does that?? Who actually WANTS a broken heart??  Truth...no one does. No one wants it, yet it's unavoidable. We either have had, currently have, or will have a broken heart. We don't have to want it, but we have to decide how we're going to handle it once it's been given to us. 

No matter what broken God chooses to bring our way, no matter why He chooses to bring it, may we remind ourselves of the ultimate why...so that He can bring His purpose to pass in this world. HIS purpose. Not our purpose, or the purpose of other people, but His.

Others may not understand why we respond to the broken the way we do...we may endure to the end, or we may wave the white flag and sit down from the fight. Either way, God is not taken by surprise, and thankfully His glory is not dependent on the way we choose to respond.  "Every day ordained for me was written in His book before even one of them came to be", and "the Lord will accomplish His purpose for me.". The sinful behavior, the righteous behavior...He knows it all. His world, His purpose, His glory when He brings the broken. 

Not a trouble free peace, but peace within the trouble

When unexpected circumstances arise, and all that we once knew as constant ceases to be, Jesus has already met the thing head on. Moments before He instructs the disciples to not let their hearts be troubled, His very own spirit was troubled. Same word. Same meaning..."to trouble; to strike one's spirit with fear and dread". Same intensity.

We don't want to see Jesus as someone who experienced "fear and dread", but just because we don't want to, doesn't mean He didn't. The Master's plan called for sin, betrayal, and heartbreak. Something our finite human minds will never understand. But Jesus knew it, and was "troubled in His spirit", yet He walked it out anyway and even promised us peace. He...complete perfection...was about to be stricken, yet promised US peace. What?!?! Through malicious judgements from the world, and doubts from His very own. Thereafter He was able to exhort His people, "Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give to you...let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid...". Why? He tells us in the very last two verses, "...so that the world may know that I love the Father."

Sometimes "doing the hard" takes on a whole new meaning than we ever thought it would. When we're troubled and afraid, because we will be, let's remember His peace that He gives us. Not a trouble free peace, but a peace within the trouble.

“After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, “Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me...“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid...the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here.” John‬ ‭13:21‬; 14:27, 30-31