Not a trouble free peace, but peace within the trouble

When unexpected circumstances arise, and all that we once knew as constant ceases to be, Jesus has already met the thing head on. Moments before He instructs the disciples to not let their hearts be troubled, His very own spirit was troubled. Same word. Same meaning..."to trouble; to strike one's spirit with fear and dread". Same intensity.

We don't want to see Jesus as someone who experienced "fear and dread", but just because we don't want to, doesn't mean He didn't. The Master's plan called for sin, betrayal, and heartbreak. Something our finite human minds will never understand. But Jesus knew it, and was "troubled in His spirit", yet He walked it out anyway and even promised us peace. He...complete perfection...was about to be stricken, yet promised US peace. What?!?! Through malicious judgements from the world, and doubts from His very own. Thereafter He was able to exhort His people, "Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give to you...let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid...". Why? He tells us in the very last two verses, "...so that the world may know that I love the Father."

Sometimes "doing the hard" takes on a whole new meaning than we ever thought it would. When we're troubled and afraid, because we will be, let's remember His peace that He gives us. Not a trouble free peace, but a peace within the trouble.

“After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, “Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me...“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid...the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here.” John‬ ‭13:21‬; 14:27, 30-31

Gripped by the old, or set free by the new...

Sometimes the thing doesn't turn out like we had planned in our head or in our heart.
Sometimes the thing is alive and healthy, is suppose to remain that way, yet simply dies. Sometimes the Lord takes the thing and shakes it around quite a bit, then sets it back down in the circumstance in which He chooses. Sometimes when He does that we enter into a spirit of distress.

The thing may be a relationship. The thing may be a ministry. The thing may be a financial endeavor.  The thing may be our earthly identity. For certain, the thing has our heart.

Can we remind ourselves that when we cry out to Him in the midst of that distress, He answers us? Can we remind ourselves that if we truly know Him as Savior, He is on our side and there is no reason to fear? (Psalm 16) No matter what the "sometimes" may bring...even if it's a result of our own decisions...it is He who brings it. (2 Samuel 12; Psalm 139:16; Job 1:12) So, we receive it and then do our best to walk the thing out all over again, only a different way this time...resolved to learn all that He wants us to learn.

Right?

Right.

Yet, today my feet didn't necessarily want to walk those words out. Today I initially chose to walk out a little bit of the anger and sadness that has slowly built a fortress around my soul. Things like that, which are not built in a day, are neither torn down within a day.

Even still, I am confident that "...the Lord is on my side as a helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?". And I am also extremely confident that "it is better to take refuge in the Lord...".

Why?

Not because He prevents times in which we need help...we need help. Not because He prevents us from being done wrong...we will be wronged.  Not because He prevents storms from overtaking us...they will take us down. BUT...we don't stay down.

Because...HE is our true helper. HE is our true provider. HE is our true protector. Every day. All day. Not INSTEAD of the hard thing...THROUGH the hard thing. Through the anger, through the sadness, through the hurt, through the hard decisions, HE is...everything.

For, without the old hard things of life, the new wouldn't be quite as exciting. So, I will trust our great God and move forward in all of the new He is about to unwrap before us.

Daily striving to no longer be gripped by the hurtful old thing, but to simply be set free by anticipation of the new.


Psalm 118; Job 1:1-12; 2 Corinthians 3; Psalm 16; Revelation 21:5

Love covers, until it doesn't: turning the cheek, going the second mile and walking away...

I don't know that many things cut much deeper than when someone you have loved unconditionally for so many years, even at the expense of causing angst within your own family and other dear friends, gives full vent to their selfish anger, attempting to destroy.

Heartbreaking.

Watching someone you love spiral into a deeper self focused pit of anger...helpless. There is no recourse. You simply stand with your mouth shut and let their foolish, unfounded anger do what it feels it must do. “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” Proverbs‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭

The damage? Catastrophic.

You mourn...the loss of a friendship, a partnership. The way it affects the people so close to the relationship...especially children.

Unfortunate truth: so many are more drawn to, supportive of, and actually believe the sickening drama that stems from the full vent of ones dishonest, accusatory, slanderous statements than they are the years and years of proven love and long-suffering demonstrated toward that person by the very people that are maliciously being slandered.

Gut wrenching.

So what lesson could one take away from this type of sinful situation?

We (I) must stop obeying only portions of scripture!

For at least the last eight years, but I'm certain it's been longer, I have pressed in hard and obeyed the scriptures that would possibly bring the most "feel good" response for the moment.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.” Matthew‬ ‭5:38-42‬

Result? I've turned my cheek to this one particular person so many times I have no flesh left to slap. Appeasing someone's sin just to keep them happy and obtain momentary peace gives way to imminent destruction.

The Lord prompted me to 2 Timothy 3 so, SO many times...but it was too hard. Too harsh. Too permanent.

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, proud, arrogant...ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people...they are always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth...But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all....” 2 Timothy‬ ‭3:1-5, 7-9‬ ‭

I was scared to be obedient to the hard stuff. Listen...the Lord separated many partnerships in scripture. Many. If we are unwilling to do the hard and obey His promoting, He'll do it His own self and it won't be pretty. Many will be struck as His mighty arm swings. Point taken. Lesson learned. I hope!

As a few of us clung so very tightly to 1 Peter 4:8, because our love was great...both for the person and for the Lord, our focus was off.

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭

We loved for the purpose of covering (original word means: "to hide, to veil, to hinder the knowledge of a thing") over all of this person's hatefulness and mistreatment of others...thinking we could "cover all".  How prideful of us. A "multitude" is a lot, but it's not ALL! And if we, by continuing to love, had the ability to cover all sins, why would we need the cross? Our focus was on our ability to cover, not His.

Singling this passage out from the entirety of the Bible would indeed lead us to believe that is what we are to do. But in context of full scripture, from cover to cover, there is but only One who covers ALL sin. His name is Jesus.

So, in the midst of living this life God has placed us here to live, may we stop doing the easy and press forward in doing the hard. And as we're snuggled up in those Bible verses that when stood alone all by themselves gives us what we view as permission to turn a blind eye to the sins of others and our own selves, let's be obedient and put them back in full context. Even when it's uncomfortable and might break apart an earthly friendship. Because truthfully, if being obedient to scripture breaks it apart, it was unhealthy and not of God anyway. 

Earthly love will cover, until it doesn't.

Don't be scared...go ahead and blink.

I love seeing all of the end of school year pictures and memories. So much change occurs in one short year. I was never that smart, creative mom who thought to take a first day of school pic and a last day of school pic...much less in the same spot, wearing the same clothes so you could literally see the change that took place. Genius!!

Seeing and hearing all of these memories made me think of two words that use to haunt me when my kiddos were little..."Don't blink!". If I heard that comment once while my four joys were little ones, I heard it a million times. Usually it would come from the lips of women who were older than I was, and whose children were already grown.

Of course, they were referring to the fact that children grow up so fast and the momentary struggles that seem so overwhelming to young moms really aren't THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. I remember so very vividly the feelings that comment would stir within me...anxiety AND frustration. Anxiety because what if I had already missed some monumental moment that I should have captured forever?? Frustrated because I was exhausted and WANTED to blink. Exhausted, I tell you.

The statement I hated hearing the most though, was usually what came just before those two demanding words..."Awww, these are the best years of your life."

WHAT?!?!

THESE. These are the BEST years of my life? That's the most encouraging statement you can muster up while my three year old is screaming "I punch you face" with snot running down his face because my four year old has taken his juice cup and pulled his hair, because my eight year old had pinched the four year old telling her the three year old actually did it, all the while my twelve year old was trying to keep them ALL calm, making the eight year old try even harder to stir up the chaos to further infuriate the twelve year old....OH. MY. GOSH. "The BEST years"??? "If I blink I'll miss it"???

Excuse me while I...BLINK!!!!

I mean, I get it. Precious and few are the years of bedtime snuggles after a warm bath, or the excitement your toddler exhibits as you are just walking back in the door after a short trip to the post office, or pictures of scribble people that they lovingly refer to as "this is you mommy, and you're so beautiful!". Gah. Tears just typing this.

Alas, in the moment...in the chaos...you find little comfort in those words, "don't blink". You find more fear and trepidation over the "what if's" and the "if only's" than you do the realization of how short those years really are.

I've learned so much over the last few years, and each day continue to learn something new...standing face to face with my nearsighted neglectful choices of the past, and even still some today. While looking back over years of missed opportunities, sometimes placing others above my own children, and being focused on the wrong things, I've apologized to my kiddos at least 50 times each, and I'm most certain that I will at least a hundred times over again.

The beauty of it all? They forgive me. They still love me.

The hard truth: the years indeed are short, but those days...boy are they long. I've often wondered what my inner attitude would have been had some older mom come alongside me and instead of saying, "these are the best years of your life. Don't blink.", just been raw and honest with me. "Listen, my girl...I know these days are long, and you're tired. I know the struggles are hard, and you feel so very inadequate. But don't be scared...go ahead and blink, and find the joy."

So, that's my exhortation to moms. Well, I suppose to dads too, but I think it's a little more intense for moms most of the time.

The days are long. When you're at work and you feel guilty because you've had to leave your baby at daycare, you're still a great mommy. When you're exhausted because you worked all day and you really don't feel like reading "Love You Forever" a hundred times before bed because it makes you cry and feel even more horrible about yourself and you're already an emotional wash bucket...you're still a great mommy. When you're a stay at home mom and you lose your temper and yell at your four year old for crayon scribbles all over the wall...AGAIN...you're still a great mommy. When you forget to drop off a lunch at school and your kid has to eat a plain cheese sandwich from the cafeteria...you're still a great mom. When your teenager screams "I hate you" because you won't let her wear shorts with holes the size of her entire rear end...or, when you LET your teenager wear those shorts because you're weary of the fight and just need her to learn the hard way, even though other moms will be whispering, "I can't believe she's letting her wear that!!!"...you're still a great mom!

Can we just cast off the fear? Can we give ourselves a tad bit of permission to be tired? It doesn't mean we love our children ANY less...not at all. It doesn't mean we regret having children...not at all. It simply means we're tired. And it's ok.

Honestly, I'd like to tell all of those people who informed me that those were the "best" days of my life...you were wrong! They were indeed amazing days...even the hard ones. They do indeed hold precious memories for me...so many precious ones. But here's the reality...every single year of being their mom, every single season, each one in it's own different and sometimes extremely difficult way, have been "the best years of my life". This current season, my baby is 20 and married to the most amazing young woman, my girls are 16 and 12...making their own mistakes and learning from each one, my caboose is 11 and growing into his own personality each and every day, and I.LOVE.IT. Seriously, I do.

So don't be scared to miss anything. Don't be scared that you're making too many mistakes. Don't be scared that you're missing crucial moments that you'll never get back. There are so many precious, inexpressible moments...plenty to fill your heart and your memory to last forever. When you're weary, when you're sad, when you're overwhelmed, don't be scared...go ahead and blink.

In torn lace and scuffed patent leather, mercy triumphs.

My mom becomes pretty frustrated with me at times. She'll try to have a conversation with me about a memory from my childhood, only to find that I have no idea what she's talking about. Clueless. I'm realizing more and more that somewhere along the way I put up a wall and decided to lock away certain memories. Sad.

Some, however, are fresh. Seared in my mind.

I remember Christmas mornings. The anticipation the night before. Big brother making sure little bubba and I heard footsteps on the rooftop. Waking up to a room full of excitement.

I remember summer cook outs. Fresh mown grass. Burgers dripping with bar-b-que sauce. Fresh corn on the cob, and ice cold Coca-Cola...in a glass bottle, of course.

I remember Sunday's. I can close my eyes and smell it as though I was standing in the kitchen this very moment. My mom, our constant. Every Sunday she would wake us up, lay out our church clothes, and take us to the little white  church just over the train tracks. Sunday School, then church. I can smell that old church building too. Sweet memories.

Lace dress and patent leather shoes. Make no mistake...I was dressed for Jesus. He loved me in that lace and those shiny shoes, you know. He loved my smile, and my kind obedience to the teachers. He loved me...in my lace, and shiny shoes.

After church was over we would drive home and walk into our house where daddy would be cooking lunch and watching the race. No church for daddy. Only NASCAR. And amazing food. Church was over. No playing in my lace dress and patent leather shoes. Back in the closet they went. Until next week, when we would go meet with Jesus again.

Sad fact: at no fault of my amazing mother at all, I began to attribute the love of Jesus to my lace dress and patent leather shoes. She NEVER insinuated that. Ever! I suppose it was an assumption. The love of Christ was unshakable because of lace and shiny leather. Sweet little obedient girls with smiles on their faces. Those were the ones that Jesus loved.

But what about during the week while the lace hung in the closet, protected from being ripped or dirtied? Did He love me then? Was His love there only when I was sweet and smiley, or was His love strong enough to love me when I was disrespectful to my mom? Or when I was mean to my little brother?

Of course it was. It is. He IS love. And that love is based on Him, not me. Not my lace, or shiny leather. Not my rule following, self-righteous religion. Him. His blood. Nothing else.

However, somewhere along the way we decide that if we could just wear that lace and shiny leather every day, no one would see. No one would see who we truly are underneath. No one would see the sin sick condition of our soul.

Or would they?

Would they see that the lace is torn from all of the bitterness I harbor in my heart? Would they see the patent leather is scuffed from the rage that boils within me? Maybe. Maybe not. But there is One who sees. No lace can hide the guilt from Him. No leather, no matter how shiny, can hide the disobedience. At all.

I'm still learning what His love really means. His grace. His mercy. I don't fully understand His goodness. How and why would He, the Creator of the universe, love me? Staggering.

I'm learning that the very grace He used to save me fits together with the mercy He extends to forgive me.

Our sins change as we grow older. We spiral from arguing with a sibling, or telling a "little white lie", to all manner of addictions, immoral thoughts or actions, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, rage, gossip, slander...there are so many. No matter the sin, His blood covers and His love forgives.

His love is not dependent on fresh lace and shiny leather. Thankful for that truth! His grace abounds slap dab in the middle of our weakness, and enables us to walk in His strength. In our sin...in our torn lace and scuffed patent leather, His mercy triumphs.

In the land of the living...

Sometimes the troubles of this world seem to scream so loud, for so long, that it begins to eclipse the goodness of the Lord in our lives...slowly chipping away at one of the most crucial things from which we gain our strength. Hope. Without hope, our heart weakens. Slowly. Steadily.

Those troubles scream at us, demanding our attention. We begin to notice them as soon as we open our eyes each morning, and drift to them consistently throughout our day. As we place our heads on our pillows...they're waiting for us. Heavy. Burdensome.

If only.

If only we would remember what Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans..."the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us...".

But is that it? Is that our lot in life? Are we doomed to daily defeat on this planet, smothered by ever mounting troubles...only to know hope after we step into eternity?

No! In no way are we shackled to the weight of earthly despair. In this matter scripture screams much louder than our annoying troubles. Much louder!

I love this...in John chapter 10, Jesus plainly said that He had come to give life and give it abundantly. He was explaining that those who truly belong to Him will not listen to the voice of a false teacher, the "thieves" who had come before Him. Those thieves wanted to steal, kill, and destroy. The original word for 'destroy' means "to render useless".

Boom.

When we focus on our troubles, they become larger and louder than life. Our strength is weakened, our hope begins to diminish. We are indeed...rendered useless.

We must not settle for useless. We must not rest in our troubles. We must turn our focus, as difficult as it may be, to the only One who will reverse our uselessness, and make us useFUL. We can read and rest in 1 Peter chapter one...we have a living hope. Jesus. He lives and He IS our hope.

When our troubles scream defeat and despair in our face, let our hearts take courage. Let's be strong, and wait for the Lord. Let's believe that we will see the goodness of the Lord not only in eternity, but in today. In the land of the living.


“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” Psalms‬ ‭27:13-14‬ ‭

Handing over my boy...

Almost 21 years ago God gave Steve and me the first of five precious souls. Four of them took turns breathing their first breath...usually through an earth shaking scream at the top of their little wet lungs...and one not meant for this earth.

That firstborn. Oh, man...he grabbed us. He grabbed us hard.

Sweet. Smart. Funny. Courageous. Mighty. Mighty, indeed.

So many amazing facets to my Drew boy, and one of my all time favorites is that he's a protector. Family, friends, anyone with a special need, and those who are labeled unloveable because they look or act different than what society deems as "acceptable". You name 'em, he'll protect them.

Boy, I'm a sucker for a protector. Aren't you?

I knew the day would come when God would bring in the bride He had prepared for my boy. I've honestly never worried about it. For some reason it's been an area of trust that I've had with the Lord. I've rested in the truth that these babies are His. They belong to Him eternally, and He is going to accomplish exactly what HE wants to accomplish in each of them.

Whew. That'll take a load off.

BUT...there's always a but...I love this boy. So, so much. What would it look like to hand his heart over to another. Yikes...would I choke?

I have a constant prayer for my girls, the girls that will marry my boys, my boys and the boys that will marry my girls. I literally beg the Lord to give my children a heart to love Him first, above anything and everything, and anyone and everyone this earth has to offer. After all, He IS high and exalted, the One True God, and nothing and no one can compare!

I also have specific scriptures I pray over the girls, and also the boys. I circle my girls with Proverbs 31:25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” And my boys with Joshua 1:9, and Luke 2:52, that they would, "...be strong and courageous...", and "...grow in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men."

I love it when God allows me to actually SEE, daily fleshed out in real life, answers to my prayers!

Alex is indeed clothed with strength and dignity. Drew is strong and courageous, and walks under the very hand of God's favor. Their hearts are united with their gaze fixed on what truly matters...King Jesus, and His glory.

The day came. The last day for me to be the main woman in his life.  The first day for him to have a heart to hold above my own...his bride's. And may I honestly say, with all transparency...nope, no choking happening over here!! It was one of the sweetest, and dearest days in my life.

The love I have for my new daughter in law far surpasses anything I could have ever hoped for, or imagined. She is everything, and more. Lover of Jesus first, filling up on His unfailing love, so that she can unconditionally love, and also receive the love of her husband in return.

Steve says so very often, "I'm such a rich man." He couldn't be more correct. We are rich. Wealthy with love and blessings far beyond what we deserve. These four souls, now with one addition, are the greatest earthly joys that together we posses.

So, I gladly hand over my boy to the favor of God in his life...his forever love, his radiant bride!

Satan has asked, but Jesus has prayed.

Our great God leaves me utterly stunned so very often. I can read passages 100 different times and have my jaw hit the floor for a different reason every time. Every time. 

A dear friend of mine made a statement a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to shake it. God will do that, you know. When He's ready to teach us something new, or remind us of a powerful truth, He will put it in front of us over and over until we "get it". My friend made a reference to the fact that we all have a "heart hunger". We are each empty of something that deep down we long for, and if not filled up with the unfailing love of Jesus, it can lead us to fill up on that which is forbidden. A temptation. 

Sometimes the forbidden comes in the form of something good. Something desirable. Sometimes it comes in the form of pride, or self righteousness and we don't even recognize it. 

Dear Lord...please don't let us miss it! May He open our eyes to our hidden sin. As another friend of mine so beautifully puts it, "it's only hidden to our own self. Everyone else can see it perfectly." Yikes! 

So, as I've been pondering "heart hunger", Steve then makes a reference to when Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted. When He was at the end of His 40 days of fasting, and He was hungry (ya think??), Satan moves in to dangle the temptation. "IF you are God..." We know the rest. Steve pointed out that the enemy moved in at the most intense point of Jesus' "hunger". Jesus resisted the temptation by quoting and standing firm on the Word of God. 

Of course. Satan knew Jesus was hungry because even though He is fully God, He was also fully human. And humans need food. He had seen Jesus go without food for 40 days. 

The enemy and his evil ones know our hunger. They see what we go without. They see what we lack, which is what causes our heart hunger. Just like 1 Peter 5:8 says, he's roaming, prowling around, and he's seeking someone to devour. Looking for the opportune time to lure and entice our own evil desires. 

Luke 22:31 is no exception when it comes to passages that leave me awe struck. The words of Jesus stir my soul in a way that is so difficult to fully describe. 

Jesus, with all of His disciples, turns to have a specific word with Simon Peter. “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” 

The Greek word for "demanded" is exaiteo, which translates: to ask from, demand of. 

We know from other passages, such as the first couple of chapters of Job, and also in 2 Corinthians 12, that the enemy is sometimes given permission to have a specific amount of control over our circumstances...but only what God allows, and not one bit more. 

It becomes even more intense. 

The original Greek word for "sift" is siniazo, which translates: by inward agitation to try one's faith to the verge of overthrow. 

WHAT??? To try one's faith to the verge of overthrow.

Boom! If Satan, or his evil ones, can overthrow our faith in the one true God, he wins. 

If he shakes the potential faith of those who aren't Christians, they remain his. If he shakes the faith of those who already belong to Jesus, their salvation remains secure, but their power on this earth is non existent. They'll be like an electrical outlet that has a short-circuit...still there, but without charge. 

It becomes even MORE intense.

When Jesus says, "Satan demanded to have you, that he may sift you like wheat...", those you's are having to do with many, probably all of the disciples seated there with them at the Passover table. When He says, "but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail...", it is a completely different word!! Jesus had prayed specifically for Peter. 

May I repeat myself...WHAT??? Jesus, the Word made flesh, God with human skin on, facing the walk to the cross, prayed for Peter...that "when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."

Jesus knew Peter's heart hunger. He knew the temptation that was about to hit him right in the face. Of course Peter didn't see it coming. Within hours he would choose self, pridefulness, and fear over His beloved Messiah...denying Jesus three separate times. But praise God, after the death, burial, and resurrection of our great Savior, Peter indeed turned back and strengthened his brothers!

Peter is not the only one Jesus took the time to pray for. In John 17, He also prayed for those of us who would believe in Him because of the disciples testimonies. That's any person who has ever placed their trust in Christ. You and me. He prayed for us. Why in the world do we give into our multiple heart hungers when the Creator of the universe, who took on flesh and gave His life for us, has prayed specifically for us? 

What did He pray? "I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one.‭‭" John 17:15.

So he prowls around, waiting to devour. But we have been prayed for. Tempted by the evil one, prayed for by the Holy One.  Yes, the enemy and his evil ones can see our heart hunger, but so does our great God. We're not alone in this battle. 

Let's remember to fill up on Psalm 90:14 every morning, "Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."

When our heart hunger encounters the forbidden, may we be quick to remind ourselves that though Satan has asked, Jesus has prayed.